Frankly, I Don’t Want to Talk About It

And, I’m not really sure anybody wants to hear about it.  Today I’m doing what I gotta do.  Gave my grandson a ride to work and taking care of medical appointments.  But, I’m doing it with a heavy heart.  Today would be my son’s 51st birthday.   It’s been just over a year since he died at age 49.  I spent some time texting with his best friend this morning.  It was comforting to spend a few minutes with someone who also misses him and it was special to hear from him today.  Last week his younger brother almost died before his 50th birthday from hypothermia and alcohol.  That literally scared me into the next century.  Talk about PTSD.  Years ago neither he nor I expected him to make his 21st, then his 30th birthday due to the life he was living and his disregard for his own life.  He’s changed since then and has been working on achieving his dreams.  He doesn’t drink daily.  He’s what we call a periodic drinker.  However, once he starts drinking bad things start happening to him.  This isn’t the first time he’s ended up face down in a snowbank while walking home from the bar.  I’m scared to death that he will follow his brother out before too long.

My post is also due today.  It’s a tough time to try and write about healing and growth when your heart hurts so bad.  There is a lot going on in my life right now, I wrote about some of it in my last post.  I’ve been overwhelmed lately by accidents and injuries in my family.  I’m tired and really don’t want to deal with it anymore.  I’ve been isolating and neglecting any kind of self-care.

Alice has been going through her own battles.  Last night we got together for a while.  We both talked and, of course, we were finally able to laugh about our lives and the journey we are on.  We both just want to hit the road now and leave all the responsibilities and obligations to others behind.  But, of course, we’ve both healed and grown enough to know that we have to stay accountable to ourselves.  Neither one of us can just walk away.  There’s a difference between going on the journey of our dreams and just up and running away from our responsibilities.  Plus, it’s 5 degrees today, my bike won’t start and my driveway is full of snow and ice.  I don’t think I’m going anywhere on that bike soon.  So, here I am, just trying to cope with my life.

In our discussion, as we were talking about my potential physical health (several tests and imaging over the next week). I labeled myself an eternal optimist.  I will be on our ride, come hell or high water.  If I’m an eternal optimist, that means I will keep walking forward regardless of how hard the trail is to navigate right now.  I’ve lived long enough and gone through enough that I know for sure that I will be able to eventually move forward.  Life keeps moving and I gotta go with it.  As much as I feel stuck in my current life challenges, nothing ever stays the same, including me.

I will tell you this.  My discussion with Alice last night and being able to get to the core of what is going on with me has given me some hope for being able to walk through it.  Once I realized that the intensity of some feelings I’m having are rooted deep in my past, I can work on putting that it in its place and move on.  And, that gives me comfort from within. I know I can do that.  I’ve done it before.  It sure as hell beats staying stuck in my mess.  But, today is pretty heavy, so for now I’m going to deal with that and move on when I can.

So there.  I did talk about it some.  There will be more later. I’m sure.

Love and Peace,

Chick